An Unremarkable Heart

Again… I graduated 2 years ago and now going back for post grad. It’s an intense course (post graduate diploma in adult nursing RN) 37 1/2 hours a week, so like a full time job except I study when I get home instead of chilling with a beer with the footy on the tv. Omg I may cry.

I’m not sure my heads in the right place for this yet, I just don’t have the confidence or energy. I’m really worried its another thing I’ll fail at. It’s a three year degree crammed into 2 years with post graduate level thrown in! :,( omg. Alot of people don’t make it, I dont mean they die! They drop out because it is too intense. I’m already behind on the work I have to do, to prepare, before I start the course!

My man friend moved back home 80 miles away because he fell out with my parents, so now I have that to contend with, my parents think we broke up but are still friends. We tried being friends but we ended up in bed together, and no point being friends with benefits if were not sleeping with anyone else, sooo were in a secret relationship, that everyone knows about except my parents :D I don’t care if they find out to be honest, I am 24 for Christ sake. I’m still here, I didn’t move with him and I’m doing this course, they need to back off.
This means if he visits he has to stay in a hotel, and I won’t be able to go to him as much, because I’ll need to study. 2 years. I’m saving every penny I can ready to move when I’ve finished.

Went through a very long drought, but now I’m back on it, I’m going to make stuff, draw stuff, create stuff, and I can’t wait!

I’m going away this weekend to Southampton and when we get back Manfriends taking me to town to get some bits from artsy crafty shops and I’m so excited!! I’ve been wanting to get crafty again for aaaages! but been on a down time, and not really had the money, but found stuff to do cheap and going to make my own paint to save money!!

I’ve been trying to figure out things I could do and thanks to a great website it’s triggered some ideas. I was thinking (you know, when you’re suppose to be sleeping) and I had to calm myself down, I had an idea, and it unraveled into something extremely complicated. Before now, I would of attempted it, and given up because it was too complicated, time consuming, cost a lot and I’d make mistakes all the time.
I now have the confidence to keep it simple, less mistakes would be made, It’s quicker, cheaper, and I’ve realized, SCREW perfect, it’s the little mistakes that make things unique.

I will keep you posted!! Now, I have to go and re organize our bedroom into a creative hub!

eeeek!!

I bought the first in the series of hunger Games from HMV for 6 quid, wondering what the fuss was about. I read the first 5 chapters on the train to leamington yesterday and didn’t want to get off the train! I have just bought all 3! With matching covers (i have a thing about books not being in the same covers, if they’re in a series or by author they have to have the same covers) can’t wait to get back on the train home and get reading again!

So veterinary nursing didn’t come up trumps for me, I would have to travel too far for the college and wouldn’t learn to drive quick enough.

My cousins had a baby girl!!! 5lbs 14oz. Tiny and beautiful.

Sorting out driving lessons hopefully next week.

Applying for postgraduate diploma in Nursing. People this time.

Boycotting phone and Facebook has proved rejuvinating, i didnt realise how much other peoples lives influenced mine, and stopped me sorting it out. i may get rid of my Facebook all together.

Going to Leamington tomorrow, really looking forward to it!!

Bought the first in the series of hunger games!! Know what ill be reading on the train tomorrow.
Bout it in the life of kaylamajaney.

Me and Manfred went out Friday night for a couple of drinks (I had diet coke) and tried to sort out our problems (well, his problem) and try to save our relationship. He doesn’t know why he wanted to keep talking to other girls over the net, our entire relationship. He said he wasn’t sure about us at first, regardless, he shouldn’t of done it. I wasn’t sure about us either, but I managed to be faithful.
He said his conscience ate away at him the whole time, funny because that usually makes people stop, or fess up. He promised he’d never do it again, and he’s really sorry for breaking my heart, hurting me, making me feel my lowest in a long time, for lying and everything else.

But I don’t know. I don’t think he can help himself. He has no phone because it got cut off so since last night we’ve been chatting on facebook, and it was playing up this evening, so he suggested going on msn. Being thick I said I don’t even have msn anymore (because I got rid of it ages ago, when he said his had stopped working and we went on fb, me=idiot) and he said I’ve got the email for here and ive added yours, so i downloaded it and logged in, he had got confused, so i explained I thought he didn’t have it downloaded but of course he did (because he’d still been talking to other girls on it).

So we chatted on there for about 3 minutes, and it freaked me out. It bought back memories of when we first started in the relationship and talked on there a lot, and he accidentally sent me his number that he was sending to someone else, and the time he said it wasn’t working so he couldn’t get on, the times he said I was the only girl on there, the time he randomly said “what were you wearing?” that was meant for someone else and it was all lies.

Now, I can’t help but think we won’t work because of me, I can’t trust him. All I think about is when we’ve been together and he’s had a txt, or when we’ve talked online and how many others were there. He said he’s grown up a lot, that he’s in love with me, never wants to hurt me again, he even promised my mum.

But, how can I trust him, we’ve been together 10 months and he couldn’t behave. How are we going to spend the rest of our lives together (like he says he wants) and him not do it again? Especially when he moves to London with me, there’s a hell of a lot more competition for me down here than where he’s from. I’m shit scared and I should be excited :( I’ve now upset myself and I’m crying.

I just don’t know what to do, I tried not to cave and make him work for our relationship but all I wanted to do was hug and kiss him when I saw him. I did manage not to for a while, I asked questions and said I wasn’t sure. I told him I can’t trust him. He just said he’d prove I can and that he’d do all he can to be the best bf.

Should I really risk getting hurt again based on what could be again false promises? I’m going to Leamington Thursday night to Sunday. Saturday were doing some Christmas shopping, were going to Starbucks, and then he’s taking me out for dinner to a nice restaurant as part of the ‘I’ll make it up to you’ plan. I am looking forward to it and it will be a great day, some ‘just us’ time, but I know I’ll be thinking a lot about what’s happened and if it’ll last.

My relationship is a complete cock up. After that lovely post of how much were in love. I found out last night that he’s still talking to other girls on the net, and it’s not about him doing that, it’s about how he met them online and it’s for all the wrong intentions. So we rowed till about half two this morning via txt. I said he can still come tomorrow so we can sort things out and see which way it ends up going.
I was then up at 7 for an interview that was 2 1/2 hours long, but I was so miserable everything was in slow motion and I was nearly late, that also includes bursting into tears in front of my mum, as I applied my foundation. wax on. wax off.

The interview was OK, but we’ll see how it goes. My mum met me afterwards and we went round the shops looking at Christmas things, she had such a brilliant time, she doesn’t get out much and we nearly died in the Disney store, oh the Disney magic! my mum bought a cushion for Christmas, it’s beautiful. Mickey and Minnie on ice. She also bought me a jumper I fell in love with in New Look, It’s grey, long sleeved with a belt, it was £30, and I can’t tell dad. It will look good with grey tights and my knee highs… I hope.

The picture does not do it justice.

So that’s the update of today. I hear back from the job within 7 days, and applied for others last night I hope I hear something about. The job I went for is xmas temp and although this company does keep a lot on after Christmas, I need something more permanent to rely on.

You know how when your friends come out of an abominable relationship, find a new one, and say how its so much more positive and how he’s ‘different’ and you think, he’s a man, they’re all the same - mediocre?

Well the relationship I’m in is different, infinitely. My previous relationship was appalling, from beginning to end, I won’t go into detail, it was just unpleasant. I pity the fool who bared his child.

Anyway, I have different feelings, thoughts, dreams, hopes and what nots with this man.
I like the way his cheek feels on my head, the way our hands fit together like they belong and the way he brushes my hair out the way. There’s an abundance of characteristics and quirks he posses, that I find captivating, I won’t bore you more by listing them.
With my past relationship, conversation was absent or insignificant. But it this one, we talk about everything and anything. Ok, I was with the last person for 4 years and I’ve only been in this one for nearly 9 months, but it’s already valuable. We’ve had our complications and disagreements and at some points it’s been obscure. We’ve made it through, thus far.
I think about my future more with him, I was very much against marriage in my last relationship and I didn’t want his children (why stay? you ask.. long story), I saw no future with the ex, but I see it now. He makes me laugh. My mum told him it’s nice when he visits, not just because he’s here but because of how much more animated and contented I am with him around.
He said last night for the first time and in all likelihood the last, that he’s in love with me. No ones ever said that to me before. He says I love you and such phrases, but never I’m in love with you, that was, just a little bit, marvelous.

We may not last for eternity, but we’ll enjoy it while it lasts. We could certainly live without each, we just don’t want to.

I wanted to open a cake shop.
I wanted to open a Handmade gift and jewellery shop.
I wanted to go into business with my mum doing hampers.
I wanted to go into business with my mum doing catering.
I wanted to be a Marine Biologist.

I’m un employed, live with my parents, and have a Forensic Science Degree.

*sigh* the second choice is still on the cards.

So I’m seeing the manfriend tomorrow, I’m really looking forward to it but really worried and nervous as we nearly broke up couple of days a go. Me being paranoid, possibly for a reason, possibly not. Were going to the pub tomorrow night and talk it out, we really need to, and I know when I get there all I’ll want to do is stare at him and kiss him, this always stops us talking things through, when it has to be done. I haven’t seen him for two weeks and then it was for 24 hours. 24 hours in 3 weeks, hurts.

So we’ll talk it through and see where it goes. He says he’s not going to lose me and that I won’t lose him. So we’ll see. Right now i want a kiss and a cuddle.

Plus were going to Birmingham with his mate and her missus (lovely pair!) on Saturday, so be nice to spend some time together that’s not in a pub or a house, know what I mean?

I found money. a £50 note, today at the train station. I’m calling it a gift from my nan. She died last year 19th December. Whenever I was in a hard place or just because… she would always give me £50 when I needed it. Today it dropped in front of me.
And boy do I need it. I’ve thought about it, and besides fishnets for my Halloween costume, it will be used for good. Such as presents or materials to make presents, as I think it’s going to be another homemade Yule. Although my good intentions are there, It will probably be spent on a bill or something, but I would like to try and save it as long as I can.

Thank you Nan <3